#throwbackthursday

Day 9

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First things first, just because social media has supported and invented #throwbackthursday doesn't take away the importance of self reflection. Whether it's in a journal, in a coffee shop with a friend, or on social media… Self reflection is key to growth and self love, regardless of hashtags!

#throwbackthursday

Three years ago I was living with such fire in my eyes, with such a chip on my shoulder, and with such determination that I was convinced I could conquer the world if I put the work in. That mentality has stuck with me in every journey that I set into motion. Now, it wasn't a sense of empowerment that Strongman gave me. It wasn't a sense of "girls can do anything". It wasn't a sense of being stronger than everybody.

It was about shattering glass ceilings.

Not the type that normal standards and social settings have set for us, but my own glass ceilings, my own ability to self limit myself. Strongman showed me to have faith in myself, in my body, and to always test the limits. One of my favorite quotes loosely states, "what a shame it would be for a human to grow old without seeing the potential of its own body", and Strongman allowed me to do that. No one can tell me what I can and cannot do, including my own mind.

This picture is not the most flattering or glamorous, but it captures a pivotal moment in my life. At this particular competition I was the last person to do every event, which meant I had the advantage of watching what every other girl did and rising to those standards. This was a moment where I learned the difference between being tired and being done. I watched as all the girls went 100 feet, 200 feet, 300 feet and dropped it when they were tired. Drop it perfectly at the starting point, setting it up for the next athlete. Drop it and walk away as they shook their heads in disappointment. Drop it at the half way point and raise there arms in victory as they surpassed their own expectations. I watched as the pattern arose, these competitors putting their best foot forward, step after step, letting their mind and body battle it out until they drop that sandbag.

When it was my turn the world faded away, as it always does when I compete in any sport. It's just me, and that moment, and that task… That's always how I walk into these settings. I picked up the sandbag and began, unknowingly, to change in my own life. I set foot after foot, breath after breath, regripping the sandbag and hugging it tightly to my body as if it's all I had. I begin to get tired, my legs started to cramp, my back started to burn, my lungs begin getting tighter with the cold air and forced breathing.

But I kept pushing.

My arms begin to get tired, my neck becoming stiff with fatigue, my feet start forgetting what their job is. But I kept pushing. Until I failed. Why did I drop that sandbag? It wasn't because I was tired. It wasn't because my body hurt. It wasn't because my brain told me, "OK you've done enough". It wasn't because of any of that. It's because my mind and body pushed hard, too hard, to the point where they both reached the highest level of effort and exhaustion and they both failed at the same time. That was a moment of enlightenment for me. I didn't drop the bag, I dropped my entire body and my thoughts all in a heap on the cold grass. My shoulder blades were dislocating, my body was numb, I began coughing and continued to cough up blood for a week. It's hard to draw this moment into words, which is why I have not written about it until now. It is still hard to find the words for it.

Imagine my mind and my body as a bear and a lion, standing strong and tall and their pride and strength and battling it out, claw after claw and bite after bite. They begin to slow down, breathing heavy and giving it all they've got until.... at the same moment they make eye contact with heavy breathing, and just stop. They did all they could and they both knew that, satisfied in their abilities and efforts, and they bowed to each other and collapse in exhaustion.

Perfect, painful harmony.

My own glass ceiling, shattered by myself.

By my stubbornness to never give in.